I’m a lot of things and a quitter is one of them. It’s not easy for me to admit that. I’ve spent my life trying to cover that up! I’ve been trying to be better than that. I realize where thats got me though, a whole lot of nowhere. I forced myself to be all that I should be. I failed. I quit. I spent a year of my life mourning some lady that I’m really not. Now that I’m done mourning I’d like to know what’s really in here. So I’m digging.

Here are some other things I know I am:

I’m a quitter, I’m intelligent, I’m beautiful, I’m independent, I’m a renegade, I’m Caring, I’m kind, I’m strong, I’m funny, I’m a procrastinator, I’m prideful…

What a dirty fucking word. Should. It honestly makes my skin crawl. “You should go for a walk today! Its nice out!” Great. I have eyes and everything and I can see that. I don’t feel like going out today. I’m bleeding, I’m exhausted, I have cramps, my back is KILLING me and I need to lay down.

I understand my choreless existence. I don’t have a job because I need learn to not focus on SHOULD,  what I/anyone/everyone thinks I SHOULD do. The point of all of this shit is to break free of the should and choose to be who and where I need to be when I need to. That’s it. That’s what IS. Should IS a dirty word. Its like the C word only worse and I’m not talking could…

I just learned that the ocean is possibly a LIVING THING. They haven’t “proven” it yet but it’s got all the systems we do. That’s when “BALANCE”, hit me in the face like a rouge wave. Now that I can breathe again I realize that I need to stay focused on my balance. Of course because I don’t want to fall, anyone with MS knows, “the fall” is one of the first steps (HA!) towards losing something I was gifted with when I was born, walking. When I had a specialist she’d ask the same questions like clockwork and always “any falls?” would be a standard one. Monetizing things is hard for me. I don’t really deal in quantities. This is how I know that the western medical path is not for me. I kept saying stress was what caused each of my relapses.  Crickets… followed by “no it’s not”. Its only no because it can’t be counted, measured or stirred so I guess  western medicine can’t explain or cure it. I doubt there would be a pill version of a cure for me anyway.  I’m truly the only one who knows what the fuck is going on in here so why should I hire someone else? Give them my time and money? I was given no consideration like I’m NEW TO THE GAME! I’ve been in this body for 35 years so I know a little bit. I get it though. How can you stop something you can’t measure?

Balance. I am trying to dig in and figure out who I am, what I want and why I’m here. These are not questions that can be answered by anyone else. I’m it. So I’m digging in. Maybe that’s why I’m looking forward to gardening? Taking waste, SHIT, and turning it into food. The Circle of lions that Disney sang so much about is REAL. In order to recycle the waste like stress and fear I have to balance them. The problem is I normally hide from both foxhole style expecting the worst and hoping for the best. I hide but ready for attack. In my MS terms that’s of course my immune system being deployed too heavily. I’ve been living like a drill Sargent telling my body to be on guard. Dishing out unreasonable requests. “Fight that stupid cold like you MEAN IT!” I’ve done this for years. When I’m hit, I fight back with all I got.  I think its deeper than that for me. Strike that, I KNOW its deeper. Isn’t that just it though? Everything I just said. BALANCE. For me that isn’t about diet, exercise and a clean surface. NOT AT ALL. I am deep cleaning. There are a lot of things in here that need to be removed. There are even more things in here that need to be dusted off and I’ll finally install some track lighting to let them shine. Looks like the choreless housewife better find some rubber gloves…

 

 

 

I don’t think it matters if its physical or mental but there is a pain that brings me to my knees. When this happens DOUBT rises. This pain stops everything, stops me from being me. Makes me cry. It hurts so much it brings me to my knees and I cry. A lot of times its been in front of my partner. I think I break his heart at least once a week. Whether I’m losing my mind because the pain just won’t give me a break and lashing out at him, the closest target. Maybe I’m just quiet and stay in my room telling him I need to be alone, sometimes it must happen when I’m on my knees crying and telling him to stop talking. When I tell him there is nothing he can do for the 209,689th time there is nothing he can do to help me, to stop this, to change it. He just has to sit there and watch his love that he came all the way from England to find down on her knees crying and begging for break from the pain.

I once had the pain mixed with strep and depression to a level that I thought what the hell, maybe I’ll get hit by a bus if I’m lucky enough to get outside. I also thought you know death might be pretty great. Quiet. Painless. I thought that life wasn’t important really. For what?! For what do I need to endure this? No reason. OK, so I’m ready to go. But I never actually wanted to do it myself but I figured an opportunity would present itself. Bottom line I was ready.

This pain has interrupted my life, completely. So I quit. I quit the business I just started, I’m trying to quit making anyone else a priority before me. Now I’m a stay at home mom to the laziest dog you can imagine, more of a cat really. My partner pays the bills. I stay at home. I stay at home with my dog, I stay at home with my pain and sometimes I stay at home with partner. I guess what I’m really trying to say is I am a stay at home mom to myself. I need some good mothering but not the kind that a mother can give. The kind that only the self can give. I stay at home to pay attention to myself. I take care of me all damn day. Its exhausting to chase my mind all over the place where it doesn’t need to be. I get it moms. Those kids get into shit you didn’t even remember you had. Ugh.