I like to ignore the fact that I have limits, I certainly hide my limits from most and when I hide and ignore, I pay dearly. My body is in charge now, which I HATE. I hate that I have to be so mindful of every step I take, not because I may “fall” but because I’m not that good at respecting my limits yet.

Take for example a few days ago, I want to go! I wanted to hang out, I wanted to do what the other kids were doing… So I did. I pushed, pushed, pushed. My body took it well for a couple days and then called it. “LAY DOWN!” Clearly my physical body isn’t verbalizing it’s frustration with me, OH NO! Pain. Pain is how my body teaches me to lay down and stay there like a good girl. Yeah. I don’t like it. But what’s worse is the pain punishment so I’m going to lay down now. I forgot! I don’t know how but I did.

Oh but I remember now and I’d love to thank my body for the um kind violent reminder, I’m sure my partner would like a word, thank you. Reminder received.

My boundaries are one of the keys to my happiness.

What do I know? Well, I am who I am. It is not a negotiation AT ALL, this is my life, I am living it to the best of my ability. I can’t be concerned with how well each piece works for everyone. Bottom line: my health, mental well-being and stress management is what I focus on and all I have time for aside from my Partnership.

Through enforcing my boundaries and requiring others to understand instead of agree with me and my choices, it has become VERY clear to me who has respect for me and who doesn’t, who has my best interests at heart and who does not, who’d like to grow with me and who wouldn’t. As hard as it’s been to lose more people than I win, I’m better. I feel more clear, I’m currently living with intention, not to mention being relapse free!

So when self-doubt comes creeping… I ask myself: “What do I need?”  Answer: Well, nothing. All I really want is to be seen and accepted for being me full time, not part time, no mask holding, no fake. I honestly don’t have expectations of anyone. As far as I know everyone is just doing what I’m doing. Living their own life. Always a helpful reminder for me!

I only judge those around me these days based on how much they suck. If they suck a lot I tend to stay away, if they suck a little I tend to be more interested in spending time. If the sucking is completely mutual then I got a match! By suck I mean take. The way I see it it’s an energy suck. It’s always a lot of work being with someone who sucks a lot. It doesn’t make them a bad person, there is no judgement on character from me, it’s more a choice I’ve learned I need to make. How much can one suck in order to be around me? These days, not much to nothing, but I know that will change, this is just me, again, getting right with myself in order to one day, hopefully, help others. I strive to get to a point where it doesn’t matter how much people suck around me, I’ll know how to handle it, I’ll know when to call it, I’ll be impenetrable. I’m not her yet. I know I will be. In the mean time I’ll just be mindful of how much the people around me suck and stay away from those who suck a lot. This post isn’t about energy suckers, it’s about me learning how to handle energy suckers of all strengths, failing and learning some more. I am the only one responsible for my happiness. This is just one way I’m helping myself stay happy.

I think the only way to describe this, how I heal, is that I purge. I purge when it comes, I don’t look for it, that’s for sure. It involves tears and loud crying and forward motion. What is here in this choreless life is a whole lot of vomit, word vomit. Like my body, it seems my mind knows that it has to get rid of what is inside of me, what could be hurting me, what I need to say for myself.

Knowing that a purge won’t be easy, sometimes it’s downright painful, sometimes it’s infuriating. I don’t want to puke! Who does! I’m not a fan of the fact that I have to stop life to purge but the further I go the more I realize it has to be.

My whole life I tried to be a “normal” girl. I’ve never wanted the lows I hit, I didn’t ask outright for them, they come, they have to, I have no choice really. And now that I’ve had time to settle into this choreless life and fall in love with the “weird” girl that I’ve always been.

I started playing softball a little young, smallest on the field, never touched a bat or glove really just was signed up to play. I don’t even recall asking for it or having a friend who played on the team I was put on. My first time up to bat, I don’t recall going to a practice before hand, they told me to swing at a “strike” and showed me where that zone was. Typically I’m not the type to take instructions mainly because they don’t make sense to me, but yes, at times, out of defiance. Bottom line, I don’t like being told what to do.

I heard all the info and my heart was racing. I was scared! Would I be struck out? Would I be struck? Who knows right! Here we go! She threw the first pitch and I swung. HOME-RUN. Well, a home-run of errors. I ran like the dickens to first base only to see the young lady drop the ball so I ran to second. My coach is screaming for me to stop running, but I just looked at him and then saw the second base young lady drop the ball too, so I headed for third. The screams for me to stop continued but it didn’t make any sense to me. Isn’t the goal to get home? Isn’t that where I am supposed to be? Sure enough the third base little lady missed the catch and I took off for home despite people waving me back to third. WHY!?! I just remember being blinded by my goal and my coaches laughing saying: “Next time Michelle, listen to us because that isn’t the best way to play.” Of course I’m not sure exactly what was said to me, I do recall there was a lot of laughing, a lot of celebrating and a lot of me feeling like I did the right thing, despite being told to stop, go back, that’s wrong, no!

I guess what I knew at a young age was do you, you got it. Go home if you see a way. Don’t listen to them, they don’t see what you see. I love that little girl for reminding me of that today.

I swear I walk past any mirror and forget to look. I don’t look at my face at all. For example, as I was getting ready to head out for groceries I noticed a giant black smudge across my face! HA! I laughed for a good ten minutes thinking “good thing I actually looked at myself today.” I really have no interest in my reflection. What I see makes me laugh. It doesn’t matter really? Does it? Does it matter what I look like? Unfortunately, the answer is YES. My reflection is everywhere, I just refuse to see it. Well I used to forget, but now I see it. I looked and what did I see? A huge black smudge mark, yes technically from the wood stove, but a war-paint like smudge right across my face.

I see my reflection now but not in the mirror, in life, in every person I interact with or see. If they strike a negative note with me then I know now that I need to step back from them and think about why I feel that way. Nine times out of ten it’s because they posses something that I can’t STAND about myself. I see them because they are me. The same goes for the positive, I accept that about myself so that looks good to me! What I’m starting to see now is that I do need to look in the mirror every day. Even when I don’t want to face myself. ESPECIALLY when I don’t want to face myself. “You are of no use to anyone until you are right with yourself.” Said our friend while in Puerto Rico. I want to be of use to others so I look at myself now. I see the good, the bad, the beauty and the evil. Everyone has all of these things and it’s about time I allow it. I’m allowed to be human, I’m allowed to take my time, I’m allowed to be horrible, I’m allowed to be great. I wasn’t allowing myself anything but now I see that it works against me more than with me. So I’m going to continue to take a LONG HARD LOOK at my reflections, sometimes I’m going to wipe off my war paint, sometimes I’m going to embrace the smudge, I’m going to see myself in everything and everyone. I see myself now and she’s not as bad as I thought she’d be!

Sometimes I feel like I’m at war. Mostly with myself but I also go to war everyday to fight for my boundaries, both professionally and personally. I actually woke up the other day feeling happy. HAPPY. Imagine that!  Happy. So I said it out loud. “I’m happy”. I’m not afraid to say it out loud anymore. I’m happy. I do see despite this positive realization I of course thought this is kind of tragic. Isn’t it? At 35 I’m happy. Finally. I feel like it doesn’t make sense given the fact that I was diagnosed with MS a year and a half ago. Happy? Now? Yeah, just like life isn’t it, not making sense… For the first time I am focused solely on myself and my partnership. I’m focused on my life: what it looks like, what I want from it and who I am.

Do the wars ever end? No, I imagine. I think one of my biggest battles occurs when someone I care about has an issue/tragedy or frustrates me in some way. I find it nearly impossible to not get involved or “help”. “Help” because it doesn’t really help them, its designed to make me feel better, not them. I’m “helping” aren’t I? It then consumes my thoughts and poisons me if I let it. I will say that I am starting to win this war. I’ve finally let go and am in a place where if someone needs me, my opinion, my beliefs, my support and anything else from me, they’ll ask. I think one of the greatest lessons that MS has gifted me so far, is the ability to ask for help when I need it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I feel once a day I get a gentle reminder. A reminder to be kind to myself. A reminder to let others BE, a reminder to quit punishing myself and if I’m lucky a reminder to rest. Now that I’m paying more attention I notice how easy it is for me to shift my attention to someone/something else. Now that my attention has shifted to the other person, I’ve forgotten all about the work I have to do for myself. Next thing I know I’m lost, not in a dark jungle lost, like in a mall lost. I know there has to be one of those directories somewhere! So I sit down and look for the reminders, the directory. Pay attention. So I pay attention, I find the directory, the reminders and I head back on my path. What I would do with out those reminders… I don’t know. I get lost so easy. The second I hear of suffering in someone else, I feel for them, I want to help, I want to fix, I want to make it better! I hate suffering! I want to end it for them. But wait! That’s impossible. The only person who can truly dig in and figure out what can be done for who is the sufferer. Ah yes, that reminder! Right, so first before I can be of use to any one else, I have to get right with myself. Second, there is no control. What will be will be. No exception. Third, treat others how you’d like to be treated. No matter what. No fucking wonder I start thinking about other people! That’s A LOT of hard work. I’m tired now actually. What a surprise. I guess I SHOULD go get involved in someone’s business. I’m clearly bored and have nothing better to do…

My thoughts are poisonous for the most part. Most of my thoughts consist of clever ways to give me my daily, HA! hourly dose of poison. Now that I think about it its more than hourly… I’d say each minute that passes there is a drive-by of doubt. No matter how “happy” I am, I think I am, I see the side effects of the poison. I can’t help but see it clearly now that I don’t have any chores. This time its a cold sore that made me wake up and say the poison is here. Not the general exhaustion, not the back pain, not the random spotting after my period… The cold sore. I’m worn down?!? WHY?!? HOW?!? Don’t I work so hard to ensure this doesn’t happen? Isn’t this my only real fucking job and I can’t even do that? Oh ok. Great. I choose this for myself. Some days I wake up feeling like a dark cloud has rested above me. I choose: “YUP. Fuck it, fuck this and fuck you.” I am then bothered by any and every little thing until I choose not to. Knowing this is EXHAUSTING. I hate it. No wonder I’m tired. It all depends on ME. Pay attention, pay attention, pay attention. “Just take it day by day…” I fucking wish! more like second to second. I know I have to keep doing this, I know I have to keep asking myself, what do I want right now, this second. I have to keep checking in, asking what do I want. Not of the day, of the moment. PAY ATTENTION. If I don’t do this then I’ll be killed by my thoughts. I explained this during a break down out loud for the first time yesterday… I think I scared the shit out of him but I explained that I have several different killers stalking around my house. They’re just waiting for a chance to get in. Some charge right at the door and try to threaten me into letting them in, others get in through the back. I always think I’ve locked all the doors, I always think I’ve got it. I don’t. Not yet anyway. Some how among all of this death, doubt and poison I know I’ll survive. I’ll make it. I’ll more than make it, I’ll be great. But not yet.