My thoughts are poisonous for the most part. Most of my thoughts consist of clever ways to give me my daily, HA! hourly dose of poison. Now that I think about it its more than hourly… I’d say each minute that passes there is a drive-by of doubt. No matter how “happy” I am, I think I am, I see the side effects of the poison. I can’t help but see it clearly now that I don’t have any chores. This time its a cold sore that made me wake up and say the poison is here. Not the general exhaustion, not the back pain, not the random spotting after my period… The cold sore. I’m worn down?!? WHY?!? HOW?!? Don’t I work so hard to ensure this doesn’t happen? Isn’t this my only real fucking job and I can’t even do that? Oh ok. Great. I choose this for myself. Some days I wake up feeling like a dark cloud has rested above me. I choose: “YUP. Fuck it, fuck this and fuck you.” I am then bothered by any and every little thing until I choose not to. Knowing this is EXHAUSTING. I hate it. No wonder I’m tired. It all depends on ME. Pay attention, pay attention, pay attention. “Just take it day by day…” I fucking wish! more like second to second. I know I have to keep doing this, I know I have to keep asking myself, what do I want right now, this second. I have to keep checking in, asking what do I want. Not of the day, of the moment. PAY ATTENTION. If I don’t do this then I’ll be killed by my thoughts. I explained this during a break down out loud for the first time yesterday… I think I scared the shit out of him but I explained that I have several different killers stalking around my house. They’re just waiting for a chance to get in. Some charge right at the door and try to threaten me into letting them in, others get in through the back. I always think I’ve locked all the doors, I always think I’ve got it. I don’t. Not yet anyway. Some how among all of this death, doubt and poison I know I’ll survive. I’ll make it. I’ll more than make it, I’ll be great. But not yet.